ANYONE FOR TEA?

THE IMPORTANCE OF A GOOD CUPPA

George Orwell was one of the seminal writers of the 20th century, his works undisputedly changed the course of human history; 1984, Animal Farm, The Road to Wigan Pier all reflected the change that was monumental in the latter first half of the century while also being prophetic about the dangers to come from totalitarianism. All that said the most moving writings of Orwell were on tea; he loving wrote in great detail about the importance of a good cup of tea. He was meticulous about the process of tea-making, the basic elements of water, tea leaves, milk and sugar should all be balanced perfectly to make the perfect cuppa. The fact is that there are so many ways to make a cup of tea, as many as people who drink it.


When the British colonised the world; they used tea and coffee as a major driver of their economy, tea was the main reason for slavery, or more precisely the sugar in it. Sugar in the 17th-19th Century was as profitable as is cocaine today, when the USA was fighting for independence in 1776 their economy was only 10% of Jamaica which was the main producer of sugar. Imagine a country the size of Jamaica outstripping USA; that was the power of sugar. India was colonised for tea, the Caribbean for sugar, the milk came from down the road.


The legacy of colonialism is hard to define but the 3 C’s are always there. Christianity, Cricket and Chai; former colonies are usually addicted to at least two out the three. Rwanda recently joined the Commonwealth after applying in 1995; the delay was probably caused by the lack of a Cricket board and a good cuppa. The one thing I miss about England is a proper cup of tea; you never know how important it is until it is gone. It has been three and a half months since I had what I could call a cup of tea, I love my country but the tea is truly awful. Ask for tea and what you get is hot milk with so much sugar you’ll throw up while contracting diabetes. The sugar is already mixed in for you and you cannot decide how much you want.


My cousin who is a government operative chided me for my lack of patriotism but I countered that true patriotism is fighting for your country, not drinking tea. I could not walk into an RPF veterans meeting and claim to be their equal because I drink Rwandan tea. The line between jingoism and patriotism is clear. Let’s just say that Rwandan tea is terrible, it is weak and terrible. If Rwandan tea ever got into a fight it would get its butt truly spanked because it so weak beyond words. I thought this was just a Rwandan problem but I was sadly mistaken, when I was in Kenya I was drinking Brooke Bond tea and was really disappointed. PG tips in the UK uses the same tea but it tasted horrible; I came to the conclusion that all the best tea is exported.


The lack of basic quality control when making goods for Africans is astounding; when it is for foreign consumption all the steps are taken to maintain quality; but for the African? Any shit will do. In the UK, the more discerning Brit gages human character on how one makes a cup of tea. I confirmed that I was in love with my first love when she made me the perfect cup of tea. It was just so; not too strong, with just the right amount of milk, it is a perfect compatibility test. I can never make my mother a good cup of tea and this is cause of constant friction between us, it usually takes five takes to satisfy her and I usually give up.


There are so many ways to make a cup of tea; just in the UK these variations are stark. Yorkshire people make their tea so strong that you can tarmac roads with it, Londoners like it weak, Scots like with a drop of whiskey and I know I am stereotyping but I have seen this first hand. One tragedy about USA is that they do not drink enough tea; you can divide humanity into two groups; tea-drinkers and coffee-drinkers. Coffee-drinking affects the character of a nation; when the USA and French were feuding over a UN resolution, I couldn’t help but think the situation was exacerbated by the fact that they were all jacked up on coffee and looking back now it was a stupid argument.


I know that most people drink both, as I do but if there ever was a war between Tea-Drinkers Liberation Front (TDLF) and the Coffee-Drinkers Liberation Movement (CDLM) then I would be firmly in the tea-drinkers camp. Tea is more conciliatory, it is impossible to fight when you have had a good cup of tea; which doesn’t bode well for the TDLF. Coffee is really evil when you think of it; I need coffee when working, it is worse than crack. I have resorted to coffee in Rwanda since I can’t get any good tea. Today I was in Bourbon café with an insane Dane who went apoplectic when he didn’t get the cappuccino he ordered. I thought he was insane but blamed it all on the evils of coffee.

Rwanda is symptomatic of Africa; while the West in well into the age of customisation, in Africa you get what you are given. I was in Kampala when I asked for black tea and was nearly slapped; I asked for one sugar and was nearly beaten. We have a long way to go in realising that the customer is right; ask for tea and you get hot milk with so much sugar that your spoon can stand in the cup. Rwandans are addicted to sugar in a big way, as are most Africans, the dangers of sugar are not known here. I long for the day when a waiter asks me how I want my tea and I will say the following.

Take a pot full of water and boil it
Take two tea-spoons of tea leaves and put in the pot
Allow to brew for 3 minutes
Pour into cup, strain the leaves
Add milk to taste, as well as sugar

Or have it your way; you can have it black, spicy, green, camomile, milky, with ginger, cinnamon, vanilla, and a thousand other ways. When I can have that in Africa then I will know that we have taken a massive step in development. Even if we have new roads and buildings; what good is it if we can’t get a good cup of tea? We need to move to customer-driven innovation, after who is paying?