AFASANDAS

The main problem with Kenya is that Simon loves Valleria; but Valleria is in love with Salvador, soon Simon catches the previously mentioned Valleria in the arms of Salvador, this sends him into a tantrum lasting days. You seem confused; I am talking of El Cuerpo del Deseo, a Colombian Tele-novella that has Kenya engrossed. It is the usual stuff of legend, the super-wealthy Patricians and their trivial ups and downs that provide a welcome break from the mundane events of life. The show is done with the usual Latin flair and melodrama, the men are macho and heroic while the women are scheming and evil; just like in real life I hear you say. It could be a comedy, Simon looks as fruity as an orchard in bloom, and his eyebrows are more delicately plucked than his love interest Valleria. Salvador has the most ridiculous facial hair in showbiz, flowing hair like a Fabio wannabe and the magnetic charm of a lead hulk. The women always make it worth watching, Colombia has produced a great pedigree of women that have gone on to win Miss World. Valleria is in this pedigree, but her acting range is as limited as Pinocchio and as wooden, when she kisses it is like seeing a man mauled by a rabid bitch on heat. But that said, she is hot, really hot and that’s all that matters.


These shows are a fixture on Kenyan TV, when I was last here the country was going through a revolution with multi-party democracy taking hold. However instead of being engrossed in momentous change, people turned to soaps such as “No one but you” and “The rich also cry”. One cannot underestimate the social change they brought about; bars were empty as men went home straight from work to watch them. Domestic abuse was down as men were too busy watching these soaps to beat their wives. Brothels went into recession as men were too busy to frequent them; AIDS infections were down as well. The real revolution of 1992/93 was brought by TV, the revolution was televised and had good ratings too.


Today Kenyans are still oblivious to the real-life drama unfolding; the election is a farce in the great tradition of African politics. Behind every great man is a great woman, well Mwai Kibaki is not a great man and neither is his wife. Lucy Kibaki belongs in the Pantheon of colourful First Ladies, a truly illiterate and ridiculous woman, her wig is visible from space and she is always turning suddenly like an unmedicated psycho. Her greatest claim to fame was when she stormed the Nation media center to castigate the press, she ended up slapping several pressmen live on national TV; it was a ratings winner as the press just kept rolling. She slapped a cleaner thinking he was the editor when he clearly was wearing overalls marked CLEANER. She was duly quarantined to State House and rarely seen after that, no assault charges were filed and the nation got its fill of laughter.



She has recently been unleashed on the unsuspecting public again, far from seeing her as a liability she is now used to reach out to women voters. The Presidents other piece of skirt called Wambui runs his campaign but is the real focus of anger in the country. When Kibaki speaks it is like he has a time delay of 3 seconds between thought and speech, this is a result of a stroke and brain surgery. The stroke was actually a stroke of good luck as it incapacitated him during the last election and he wasn’t able to sabotage his own campaign unlike now. Raila Odinga stepped in; he is a populist with a real pedigree as his father was VP and a top power-broker in Kenya politics. He engineered Kibakis election with an arsenal of quips and sound-bites. Kibaki-Tosha (Kibaki is all you need) but now these sound-bites are against him. Kibaki – Toka (Kibaki get out) while Kibaki Tena is the incumbents slogan. Raila is way ahead in the polls, keeping it simple, he has recently proposed a system called “Majimbo” - federalism or devolution and this has caused confusion in the minds of the public. Kibaki has now tried to turn this election into a referendum on Majimbo and is muddying the waters as much as he can.


Get ready to be confused, Kenya politics is like a rash of viral infections, the parties divide like amoeba into tribal blocs. You have; PNU (Party on National Unity) it comprises of KANU, FORD-KENYA, FORD-ASILI, FORD-PEOPLE, KPP, SHIRIKISHO, TIP, DP, SDP, LP, PP, Kenda and other minor parties. I wasn’t kidding; anyone who can afford the registration fee has registered one. The opposition was the ODM but they are now split into ODM and ODM-Kenya. ODM-Pentagon as they are known are lead by Raila while ODM-K are lead by Kalonzo Musyoka who is the least tainted and best candidate of the 3 but his voice is being drowned out by the madmen.


In Kenya Democracy is up for sale, voter cards are sold for $10 – 50 depending on your haggling skills, youth sell their services as thugs to disrupt rival rallies. Food and money is promised to voters if they attend rallies. Women candidates are beaten on a daily basis; free marijuana is distributed to youth so they can march rabidly through town chanting the name of a said candidate. It is a tragic state of affairs, corruption is the cancer of nations and Kenya has no chance of remission.


One of the greatest characters I have ever met is a woman called Dorcas Ndabuki, a battleaxe of a woman, who is imposing at 4”11. Her story illustrates the scourge in Kenyan politics; she is running in Kilome against one of the richest men in Kenya, a man called Mwau who owns Nakumatt the biggest chains of general stores. She tried to bribe the people with worthwhile things like putting boreholes in arid areas, free cement for house building, bringing a clinic to the area. But her erstwhile rival arrived in a helicopter and just threw bundles of money out the window to save time. Money was blowing in the winds for days. Guess who won their hearts? The moneyman did, and that is Kenyan politics in a nutshell. The rival hired thugs to beat her up and she had to take refuge in a police station, she soon had to hire thugs of her own for protection and stoop to their level, if just to save her life.


She is a gregarious if not contentious soul, always seeking to challenge the status quo, which in Kenya is like a death sentence or career suicide in the least. She spoke quite articulately with me in English worthy of The Queen, but soon the Mukamba in her was dying to get out. She was furious at the lack of protocol at a recent ODM-K rally. She arrived in her usual flamboyant manner, late and with clique in toe. She then proceeded to the VIP section as was befitting her status and sat on the second row, when an usher intervened. Now you have to understand Wakamba to truly get this joke. They mangle and murder the English language or any given language for that matter unlike any other tribe in Africa. This is Swahili getting murdered

“Sasa we ni nani?” Said the usher (Who are you)
“Usini ulize hiyo vitu, Huni jui?” She said. (Don’t ask, don’t you know who I am?)
“Hi ni fasi yawa eshimiwa!” (this place is reserved for VIP’s)
“Mi ni afasanda!” (I am an Ambassador)
“Afansanda wa wapi?” (Ambassador of where?)
“We usijali, si hi ni fasi yawa Afansdas?” (Never you mind, this is for diplomats?)
“Wewe ni afasanda wa inchi gani?” (Which country?)
“Mimi ni afasanda wa Suntan!” (I am the ambassador of Sudan)


After an almighty ruckus she was let through and was soon castigating the head of the party, speaking on behalf of all the women there and now few would ever forget her. I want her to win her seat to shake up the system. Whoever wins the elections is immaterial, what is needed is an overhaul of the system, new faces who are untainted by the past. People who have an agenda besides self-enrichment, people who are accountable and above all full of hope. It is estimated that 90% of the MP’s will not be re-elected, I sincerely hope that is the case or else it will be more of the same.