WHY IS RAP SO DUMB THESE DAYS?

I hate Southern rappers these days, I used to lose 8-Ball and MJG, UGK, Dead Prez, even Pimp C, Scarface and above all OutKast. I still love these groups but Rap today is beyond dead, it is mutating into another genre, just a bastard orphan with no direction. Rap is so dumb these days that I tried to get inside the mind of a Rapper, like trying to think on the level of vermin and microbes. The scene I pictured went like this, I wanted to fulfil the ultimate niggerness and live my life according to rhymes, half the stuff they say is just coz it rhymes, not because it makes sense. I sat last night with my friend G-Low during a 3-hr power cut and we sat in the dark with crunk blaring from the i-pod that was slowly lobotomising us.

ROLLING ON DUBS

This means getting big-rimmed wheels, preferably on cars, big cars. 22’s are the best loved, that is 22-inch rims coated in gold and even diamond studs. Chris Rock talks about how rappers put gold rims on everything even their toasters “so when I am toasting I just watch them rims spinning and spinning.” But that is not enough; you have to do more coz rolling on Dubs ain’t enough. So the next level is even better.

ROLLING ON DUBS IN A TUB

Being a rapper one has to customise their car, preferably a Cadillac, the back seats are often dispensable and one can easily install a gold-rimmed or platinum rimmed bathtub to sip Cristal in, but I would be lonely. There is nothing rappers love more than “your girl” all the groupies are too easy and that’s bad for their self esteem however “your girl” can be easily dazzled by the bling just like the “Whatever you Like” video. So we are on to the next level.

ROLLING ON DUBS IN A TUB WHILE I GIVE YOUR GIRL A RUB

AH pure Zen, now one can enjoy the mobile hygiene facilities while pleasuring a losers’ girlfriend. Rappers are always chiding women for dating broke men but then call them groupie hoes. So imagine sitting in a moving tub with a girl, it’s cool until you hit them corners then water is splashing everywhere, all over the silk and Persian foot mats. But eventually one would have to lower the blacked out windows so people could see you, it’s no good to roll on dubs in a tub while I give your girl a rub unless you can see me otherwise it’s just silly. After several hours running up a fuel bill as we circumnavigate the hood, getting dizzy, we would need to go somewhere…

ROLLING ON DUBS IN A TUB WHILE I GIVE YOUR GIRL A RUB THEN I ROCK UP IN THE CLUB

You see it now all them people watching, especially haters, after all that is why we are doing it. The haters provide motivation for the rap industry, kind of like how the Hoover dam lights up Vegas. Haters hang out in clubs so Rappers can be hated on, haters hate people with money who roll around on dubs, in a tub, giving their girl a rub and to top it off, they rock up in the club doing it just to rub in their face. After such a high from doing this you’d think it’s hard to top that, but one can very easily.

ROLLING ON DUBS IN A TUB WHILE I GIVE YOUR GIRL A RUB THEN I ROCK UP IN THE CLUB SIPPING ON BUBS

AH a bit of champagne always raises the level of class, so I take it up a notch by getting some Cristal. So there I am in the tub, with the lights on, champagne on ice, I have made it. This is nirvana, I cannot get any higher than this, even when I get shot or locked up for gun possession I will always remember the day when I rolled on dubs, in a tub, giving your girl a rub, then rocked up I a club, then popped bottles with models as I sip on bubs.