IBURAYI: A GUIDE

One of the most bizarre sights I have ever seen was that of our house-boy perusing through a glossy magazine; he is illiterate but the pictures in these celebrity mags tell the whole story. He was transfixed as if captivated by a demon; his eyes were like saucers, wide as they could go, I called out to him and he couldn’t hear me. It was like when an insect is blinded by light and keeps bumping into the bulb. He was salivating, with traces of self-hatred, under-lying narcissism and utter bewilderment. I left him there for about half an hour; he was “reading” Heat, Grazia, OK, Hello and seeing the total glamour and misery of celebrity. He explained the whole movie thing; he asked if I have been to the town where “Bafotora amafirimu” they “foto all the movies” called HORRYWOOD! Though he pronounced it “Horwud” but had to say very slowly. In African languages there is usually no L as we know it; it is interchangeable with R. Hence: Resbians, Porio, Radies, Rooking Rovery, and the aforementioned HORRYWOOD.


He was shocked and tried to do some work but he failed as he was still caught up in it, sweeping aimlessly in the same spot, deep in immoral thoughts of Californication. He asked me again if I had been in the magical place. I said no it is a bad place without money, worse when you have it and he wanted to have me committed. I told him that the people in those mags aren’t happy. He couldn’t believe me; it is hard for a man who struggled to get minor bits of money for his whole and has been happy doing it to understand. He never knew how much rich people earned but his estimates were low. “Even if I doubled my wages I still wouldn’t be able live that lifestyle.” I laughed inside. I told him that there are many people in the West who were poorer than him. That there were homeless people in the West; he contorted and closed his ears. I had shaken a major column of what he thought to be the truth, that everyone in Iburayi was rich. Our sense of geography is really bad; Rwandans have a certain notion as being central to the whole world. Our names for countries are really funny and basically involve mispronouncing the name.

Giputa – Egypt. We laughed at this with my uncle about how through biblical reference old Rwandans used to use the figurative saying “Yaguye mugiputa” “He fell in Giputa” meaning how the ancient Jews were in a bad way in Egypt; it could mean bankruptcy, alcoholism, adultery or any unwanted state. So if you went to see the pyramids then people would think you fell on hard times; but you tell them that the pharaoh was deposed and they have a new government now, then they relent.

Uburayi – Europe in General; some people think of it as a country with France, Germany as districts, so on.

Bufaransa – France; or Pari as most people would think Mariseh is next to Ryon or Borodo and all these are villages in Bufaransa.

Ubudage – Germany; they were the first colonisers of Rwanda with a general reputation for cruelty, for example they would leave spectacles hanging on a tree to watch lazy plantation workers while they were safely in the house. Hence they have a reputation as be hardworking, industrious pranksters and so on.

Babirigi – Belgians to me and you. These were the ones who took over from the cruel Germans. Belgians have reputation for …. Nothing really, too bland to elicit a stereotype, nevertheless they were the country that influenced Rwanda more than any other. We copied their mistakes as well and Rwanda is now firmly out of its shadow. They are divided into Baferema (Flemish) and Bawaruni (Walloon)

Abongereza – British; a corruption of Inglezia, they live in a country called Ubwongereza, Her Queen is revered as having strange powers as she closes parliament and kicks out the politicians until they get elected again.

Baspanya – Spanish
Baporotogo – Portuguese
Bahoranda – Dutch
Basuizi – Swiss
Baturuka – Turks
Batariana – Italians
Bagurika – Greeks
Basuwidi – Swedes
Banoroje – Norwegians
Bayiranda – Irish
Baboweri – White South Africans

On the other side of the big lake lies another land.

Bunyamerika – Good Old US of A; this is the place where everybody is rich and everybody has as much money as Rujugiro including street sweepers. This country has more money than Rwanda in excess of 10 times so people love it coz Rwanda is the Best country in Africa so USA must be really rich. This is the dream place in the world and as my friend to me; they shoot films and they can just call you off the road and photo you a film and you get millions. For example Eddie Murphy was Nigerian and his father sent him to study in America but he used to hang around in bars making people laugh till a rich man said he had to film him for the good of mankind.

Bukanada – Canada; this was a favoured destination for Rwanda as they both spoke bad or their own type of French. Their tribes include Bakebekwa, Bahontari, Bavankuva, and so forth.


All these are a people known as the Bazungu; a white tribe that divided into several tribes which are now countries. They have fought wars where millions were killed so now they made a peace treaty and they are all now rich coz they share everything. They rule the world and control all the other tribes; individually Bazungu are capable of great kindness but when they band together they are dangerous. Africans first called them Bazungu meaning “White devils” they though they were spirits from the past who were back to haunt them. White people never bothered to clear up this misunderstanding and actually fostered this myth and like Cortez and Pizzaro they marched through Africa slaughtering and infecting millions. When they tried to enter Rwanda they were always killed, the first white man set foot in Rwanda in the 1890’s one of the last countries to be exposed. My grandfather used to tell me how they would arrive in a village and tell the sinners to repent or face hell; the next day or so the village was nearly all dead from the pox or measles. So White men were thought to be bad luck and killed before they could approach a village. Later they came with arms and cannons and bibles and pacified the dark.


This how Rwandans and Africans generally see the world; now in this world of globalisation we are all in Hollywood. The lurid stories of the gutter press are published in our papers. Umuseso is a rabid tabloid in the mould of the Sun, National Enquirer, and various internet sites. It is visceral, biting, and partisan; it talks the language of the street, it is anti-government in everything said. It also has a healthy dose of football, gossip, and glamour. Izuba is another Kinyarwanda paper and it does the same. “Britney yarasaze!” was a screaming headline, Britney’s gone crazy, in a land where most live in a dollar a day or less you see ample distractions from daily life. When my house-boy wants to get away he likes to take a glossy mag and take a trip to planet stupid. He said he understood Britney “They drugged her and gave her very strong beer, then they stole her kids, no wonder she went crazy.” I realised we are global now, word gets round and quickly too in this global village.